Solitude

The other day I ran into an old friend that I hadn’t seen in a few years. It was extremely nice to talk and find out what was going on in each other’s lives. We called other friends and chatted and what not, but we had one conversation that seemed to resonate through my thick skull. It was the topic of relationships.

We talked about how we each had failed relationships and little things about them here and there. That’s when I began to think to myself, and ask myself what my problem is? I have had good relationships and I have had bad relationships, but when it all comes down to it, I think I’m the root of them actually failing./? Is that a question, or is that a statement?

Over the next few hour, well really the next few days, I found myself replaying things in my mind. I think the root of all issues falls with my inability to truly let people in, or could it be my extreme independence? Those are the two things that I have managed to narrow this complex thought process down to. So, let’s break it down.

Inability to let others in – I tried to pin point the exact moment when I stopped letting people get close to me, but I couldn’t find it. That’s because there is no true beginning. It has a lot to do with the constant moving as a child. I can remember getting close to people and then all of a sudden being ripped away by a move. So, ultimately, I stopped getting real close to people in a relationship type of way. I distance myself from any and every one. It probably wasn’t the best thing, but in a way, it kept me from getting hurt. I have let a handful of people in, but they are nothing more than friends. Some of them are so close I would consider them family. Yeah, that pretty much sums up that one.

Independence – from the very beginning I have had to be independent. My mother was a single mother that was always at work. So, really it was just me. I learned how to take care of myself, and pretty soon after, I learned how to take care of my sister too. I thrived on my ability to handle everything on my own and never ask for help, and that’s probably because that all I knew how to do. I got a job as soon as I was able, sometimes multiple. I got on with my life and out of my mother’s house as soon as I could. Looking at this from a different angle, I rely on no one. I don’t enjoy asking for help, if I do at all, and I strive to be my own competition. I think it’s hard for me to let another person in, because of the idea that they might think I need them when I don’t.

My most recent relationship fail involved a friendship turning into something more. That should have NEVER happened. Things were fine at first, and then they all went tumbling down. Why? Because I’m emotionless, I don’t let anyone in, I treat everyone exactly the same, I don’t let others help me, and I am the same person in a relationship as I am outside of one (there is only one side to me). Anyway, that went up in flames, and now that friendship that was so great is barely a thing at all.

In this long discussion that I was having with my friend, there was one thing that we both noticed that we do. We both start seeing someone or talking to someone, and then it gets to a point where you start noticing things, but not just anything. We start noticing things that don’t sit right with us. For instance, chewing with your mouth open, the way you do certain things, etc. One thing leads to another, and they become completely intolerable, and whatever we think was going to happen with that other person is no longer happening. I don’t know why I do it, and I’m sure my friend doesn’t either, but I do wish I could turn it off.

I’m not saying I’m broken. I’m not saying that I’ll be single forever. I am saying that whatever the case may be, I can do it all on my own and be ok with it. That could be a problem, but for now, I guess I’m stuck with it.

 

Have a good one!

Dom

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